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Year of the Reality Check

Tuesday, Jan. 01, 2008 @ 7:41 am
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Happy 2008...Hope everyone had a fun and safe New Years Eve. I stayed home and like a good party pooper was in bed at 10. I was invited to a party, but I feel like I'm getting so old lately. I just wasn't up to staying out late {plus my meds don't mix well with alchohol}.

Lately I'm always tired and yawing. I also seem to bruise at the brush of a feather, my hip joint is acting strange {it hurts, but I haven't exherted myself} and I find myself sometimes waking up in the middle of the night, hungry even though I eat plenty. I'm always either cold, or hot, rarely just right. One of my friends said it sounded like perimenopause, but I'm only 38 {though my mom did start in her 40's I believe}. I think it might be something to do with my meds. I plan to ask my doc next week. I also had a physical last week {the 26th, yeesh}. So hopefully by then I'll have the results of all my tests, which may give a better idea of things}.

Which brings me to my next issue. Two weeks ago I was down to 156, now I'm back up to 162. I watch my intake, I'm still exercising, I've had a few treats but never more than one or two cookies, or one piece of fudge, etc.. in one day, so not like I'm binging or anything. But I have noticed, my umm bathroom trips aren't like they used to be. Who knows?

But I need to get my head on straight this year. I've worked my ass off to get to the 150's/160's, yet I look in the mirror and see myself as huge. I don't see the hard work as much {though some}, as I see the flaws. I've been over 300 pounds I know what real obesity, overwieght is. Back in those days, if I'd have heard someone my size complaining about thier weight, I would have wanted to hurt them. I would have thought wow must be nice to be so small, and I would have been more than a little jealous. I feel guilty for thinking I'm huge, when I see people who are where I used to be, and can guess they'd feel the same way I used to feel.

I'm so much healthier than I've ever been. Yet I can't stop obsessing. Part of me thinks I could maintain this for a while and learn to accept myself, after all a size 8/10 is nothing to sneeze at. A lot of women would sell thier toes to reach this goal. Another part inside me thinks, I've come this far, why not shoot for the moon and go for the 4/6 or 6/8 ish. I want to listen to that voice, but I also know if I'm not carelful, I could find myself getting into a place I best not visit.

I mean criminty at my physical my doctor even asked me if I was throwing up after I eat. I know its his job, but I can't help but be insulted. I did this the hard way, with no cheating, no potions, fads, programs, cult meetings, or other intervention. Just me, well me and my friends and tools here on the great world wide web, you guys have been awesome, and the tools at Calorie Count, have helped me keep honest with myself.

I know a lot of it is just extra skin, which I can't afford to have removed on my own, and which since it isn't a medical issue, Blue Cross won't pay for. I haven't even bothered to look into it. I talked to a plastic surgeon at the Women's Showcase back in October and he confirmed what I already knew. Financing is out of the question, and wieght training can only do so much.

I should be proud of what I've done, but yet I can't help but feel it's not good enough. This year I need to keep doing what I've been doing, maybe work a bit harder, and learn to accept myself. I have been working with a counselor, and I think this will hopefully be the year when I finally get a grip on my issues.

The meds {anti homocide pills as I like to think of them} have finally helped me get to a place where I think I'm ready to let certain monsters out of the back of the closet and face them down.

But first I need to buckle up, as I think it may be a very bumpy ride.

Happy 2008 everyone. May this year bring you joy and wonder and be better than 2007.

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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