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thinking again

Saturday, Sept. 22, 2007 @ 8:06 pm
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I was in one of those tired, lazy have the energy to cook a meal, but just dont' feel like doing a damn thing nights. So I splurged. I rarely order in, or eat out anymore, as it is too expensive and finding reasonably healthy pesco-ovo vegetarian options isn't always very easy. But tonight I said screw it. Luckily Nine Dragons, a local place has a vegetarian menu and it is pretty good, though when they said hot and sour soup, they weren't kidding on the hot. I got the medium. The full hot must come with its own fire extingquisher.

On the brightside, I have enough food for a least another meal, possibly two. On the dark side, I already ate too much and will probably need to drink a gallon of water to compensate for all the sodium. At least it was good. I'll have to remember to order the Buddha's delight again. And add them to the list of places that cater to the meatfree by choice.

I wanted to write an entry earlier but didn't really feel the pull to write anything in particular so I figured I would take whatever my fortune cookie said and run with it.

Its a good thing tonight is a good time for solitude as I am sitting here alone, as I do everynight, other than my most nightly phone calls to Warren. But it does give one a chance to think. {So does this documentary on Sparta/Troy, but in a different way}.

I've been thinking about what I wrote yesterday and it dawned on me, though I probably realized it long ago, but didn't really want to explore it. If I feel fat or thin, doesn't really have anything to do with my actual weight. Not a lot anyway. I mean sure it plays a part, but mostly I think it is just a symptom of other things.

Most everyone has insecurities of some kind. If they say they don't they are either extraorinarlily blessed, or a bald faced liar.

Some of us cope by comparing ourselves to everyone, as we grew up feeling constantly compared to others. {So and so gets A's in such and such, so and so has no trouble doing this, so and so was able to do {fill in task advanced for age} at this age. Why can't you. Or we know you'd never be able to, or Its pity you aren't that mature/capable/gifted, we sure would like that. Conversly I also got to hear about how I was so much better at such and such than so and so, or I should be glad I'm luckier in this or that than so and so, I'm so much prettier than her, but not as slim as her..yadda yadda} So we have to fight the urge to constantluy judge ourselves by other people. I know its not healthy. There will always be people who are more or less forunate than I. And I have no idea what that person may have been thru by just looking at them. You can't tell if someone survived a tragedy, had a bad childhood, over came a tremendous obstacle, survived cancer just by looking at them, nor can you tell if they were just lucky enough to be blessed or if they have had to work thier asses off, so it really isn't a fair thing to do. But its a bad habit that is hard to break.

Others grew up never feeling good enough and spend too much time trying to be uber perfect super people who can do everything perfect and make the whole world happy while they are at it. I know people like this too, after awhile it gets old and you realize it doesn't work. especially as somem people can't be pleased and others will just continue to ask for more. I've dabled with this as well, how else did I manage to stay on my eating plan when I really wanted to say screw it, to keep on being super mom to Warren and deal with the school and everything. But that only made me feel worse, because no matter how good anything was, there was no such thing as good enough. I've learned that sometimes good enough is good enough and perfection is way overrated. If I were performing brain surgery than it would matter, but in most things, it really isn't that important. I put in the best I have, and now I did the best I could. IF that isn't good enough for someone else, than obvdiously they have the problem not me.

Others just give up and say screw it, not even bothering to try anymore because if they can't be perfect why bother at all. {I've been guilty of this a few times, but I've since learned I would rather try and fail, than fail to try at all}. that's largely how I gained much of the weight, why I had so much trouble with doing even simple things at times. If I couldn't do it just right, or perfect than I would't even bother doing it. I know in part I get this from my mom, who would sell her own teeth, to avoid humiliation or to look less than perfect at something. I missed out on a lot of fun things, becuase my fear of not being top notch, or of looking compentant kept me from trying, or joining in.

Others are able to pretend they have no insecurities, by acting like they are better {we've all met them} and refusing to ever awknowledge they are wrong, by putting down everyone else in an attempt to make themselves look and feel better, because their ego can't handle anything that indicates otherwise. I hope I've never been that way to anyone, if I have let me appologize.

I know that I am no better or worse than anyone else. I hope I am the kind of person that gets to know somebody before forming any judgements about them, though I know human nature somtimeslikes to form opionions before we have enough information to determine if they are even close to accurate, to say nothing of being totally unfair to that other person.

That is one of the things I find intersting about blogs. You often get an insight into a person, not tainted by what they look like {which in turn might be slanted by any resmblence they might have to others in our past} which allows one to form your own picure of how that person might look. To be honest when I think of the people on my reading list, I don't picture them how they really look {if I've seen pictures of them} but tend to associate them with some part of thier layout. Weird I know, but the layout a person chooses, says a lot about them, how they see themselves and how they want others to see them.

My brain gets weird when it has too much time alone

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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