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Dark clouds passing over

Thursday, May. 25, 2006 @ 7:14 pm
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Second update for the day. Warren is officially done with school for the year. Yeah for him, not so much for me.

Since work was so slow I got to go home early, which was great. I have over 60 vacation hours comming. I plan to use 40 for my week off the week of Warren's birthday, which still leaves me with 20 and counting. I was able to use 7 of them today. Yes that is right. I went home after only working for an hour. Would have made more sense to just tell me not to come in in the first place.

After leaving work, I stopped at the grocery store and than came home. Warren was just getting up. He was suprised, to say the least to see me. But it was nice to be home. I made my special blueberry maple pancakes (Warren and I made the recipe together, he loves it and has no idea it is whole wheat. I love whole wheat white flour), with real maple syrup, no corn syrup, just grade a amber dark from a real live sugar maple tree. My son loves my pancakes.

Then we just hung out a bit, and decided to walk down to my favorite salon to finally get Warren a hair cut. He didn't get it nearly as short as he usually does, probably because I told him he could have it anyway he wanted (hey its hair, it grows back. Let the kid have some choices in his life). So he just had it trimmed about half and inch and had it thinned (he has tons of hair- nice to know one of my genes made it thru). I really like it. I think it will help his sebhorrea too.

After that we walked home and just sort of hung out, and goofed around. I haven't spent nearly as much time with Warren lately as I should, so it was nice to have a couple of days just hanging out, and getting to know this new larger person who is in my son's body. He has so many amazing ideas, sometimes I feel like I'm getting to know a whole new person. Even his hair looks so much more grown up, as opposed to before when it looked more like a flaming bush was on his head (for those new to this site, my son is a redhead, a very redhead with all the stereotypes that accompany it).

He also has quite the sense of humor, my boy. Apparently it is now funny to put leaves adn dandilions in your mom's hair, especially since it is hard for her to relatiate since she practically has to stand on her toes to reach the top of his head. Oh and he is also the only kid on the planet who can pat me on the head and not get shot. Sometimes I swear he grows in front of my face.

We ate dinner together and no sooner finished when his "posse" came over. They are now hanging out downstairs in his room (I live in split level), listening to tunes and playing video games. A pretty good day, for the end of the school year.

I wish I had a scanner. He's been drawing all afternoon also. Its mostly a geometric art type creation, but its some of the best work I've seen for a 12 year old kid, who refuses to have any formal training. He says it will just mess him up, he wants to do it his way, not somebody else's. Qui sera sera.

I'm glad I had such a good day with my son. I should have enjoyed it more. But for some reason the dark cloud seems to be comming back over me. I'm still keeping up with things, but my motivation seems to be waning. I just don't seem to have the same drive I did. I have to force myself to do anything. I'm still eating healthy, and walking, but instead of being a reward or something I deserve, its like I do it out of fear. I have to do it. My clothes are fitting the best they've fit in ten years, I feel great, but the numbers on the scale aren't moving, and it terrifies me.

I'm not one to be in a place to judge other people's failing and addiction, as my butt has had it's own zipcode for going on 20 plus years. Even when I was stuffing the crap in my mouth, I knew it was killing me, but at the time it felt good. But then I saw the numbers on the scale and saw where my health was going and I finally got scared the right way. I don't talk about it much, but one of my deepest fears is becomming one of those people who is so fat they have to use a motorcart to buy their potato chips and soda, or worse one of those people who gets so large that they can't get out of bed becuase thier legs can no longer support them.

I am in a position now where I can prevent this. I know it won't come off overnight, and that if I starve and drop it too fast, I'll either kill my self, end up with an eating disorder or be a failure and gain it back when I can't take it anymore. None of which is appealing. I want to live long. I want to have energy to do things, I want to make contruction guys drop thier tools, I want to make my ex drool and be jealous. I want to see my grandchildren and great grandchildren. I want to wear cute clothes, that don't look like circus tents. I want to wear a bra that isn't big enough to shelter a family of ferrets. I want to look in the mirror and like the person looking back.

So why is it that I am still beating myself senseless for having ice cream on mothers day. Why do I feel like no matter how much I exercise it isn't enough. Why do I feel guilty if I eat, and guilty if I don't. Why is it when ever emotions get to much, I get angry/happy/sad/depressed/excited/bored/breathing I want to medicate it with food. I may have replaced the cheeseburgers and fries with fish and apsaragus. I might grab an apple instead of fries, but the basic feed the feeling away mentality is still there.

I have no energy. When I first started walking it would give me lots of energy to get other things done. Now I just feel more tired. Even Warren has commented on my mood. He's right. I'm not the old fun person I used to be. I'm short and quick, and take everything personally, loosing my temper at the drop of a hat, or feel worse if I try to control it.

I just hope a manic wind blows this dark cloud away soon. Depression sucks.

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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