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It has to end
See previous entry for depressing rantings about things. I've been doing alot of thinking, and crying and praying. I've come to a few conclusions about things, and a few not so nice conclusions about myself. While Mike has done a lot to earn my wrath, I have seriously over reacted and my thermonuclear meltdown this morning scared even me. It did nothing to help matters and only made things worse, this animosity we have towards each other is destroying Warren and the more I continue to blame it all on Mike the more I will be stumbling in the dark never finding the light.
Yes he is selfish idiot sometimes, and had done a lot of really stupid things, made a lot of really bad choices, but I have not been handling it right at all. All I've been doing is getting angrier and angrier while denying what part I play in this mess, and my son has been falling further and further in to depression, and mental exhile unable to cope, overwhelmed by anger, fear, worry. I need to stop this now. I know Mike loves his son and tries in his own way. I have been unfairly blaming it all on him, when it is a two party deal. I've been so wrapped up in my own hurt and pain, I set out to intentially cause more, and my son has become a casuality of war (known as divorce American style). It is time to make a peace, no matter how tenious, even though I am right about things, he won't admit to, I have to offer and accept the olive branch.
Before I've refused on the I'm right and that's all that matters principal. Why couldn't I see before what I was doing. Blame game gets nothing. We both hurt each other and he is always caught in the cross fire, a wounded innocent. I know it is probably too late for us to ever make peace adn we will never have relationship, but I would like to have a conversation and be in the same room with out needing a security detail to referee. There is too much pain, and the hurting must stop, Mine, His, and Warren's.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud:
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
W. E. Henley
If These Walls Could Talk
If these walls could talk,
you'd know my body is dead,
my mind has been taken over,
that's why I am so scared,
I can't control it,
anger is making me blind,
I've been left here on my own
chained to a hate of some kind.
If these walls could talk.
If these walls could talk,
you'd know about my fears,
about all those nights I screamed for help,
about all my fallen tears.
You'd know about the demons
haunting me at night,
you'd be able to help me
keep my fire alight,
if these walls could talk.
If these walls could talk
they would say that it's all right,
God sends His angels
to look over me at night.
They'd encourage me,
say though I am alone
it doesn't mean I‘m on my own.
He watches me, from above
and showers me with all His love,
if only these walls could talk.
Prequels ~ Sequels
Daily Dumbass: Both me and Mike
Thankful For: and epiphany - that was much needed.
Music of the mind: : Stupid K-9 advantage flea collar commerical
~*~Have you read these~*~
~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~
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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.
I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.
I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.