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I just don't get it - or do I??

Friday, Mar. 18, 2005 @ 9:03 am
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Lately in the mornings instead of watching reruns or informercials or just leaving the television off I have started to tune into the news shows on the local channels, the ones that go back and forth from local news to the national news shows (Good Morning America, Today, Early Edition etc..). Partly just to see what is going on, and to catch the weather, and partly because every once in a while there is actually something interesting on.

This morning they were giving the play by play of Scott Peterson's first day on Death Row at San Quentin (A divorce may be messy and expensive, but it sure beats the hell out of an 8x10 cell in the state pen). While I really don't think whole world is waiting with baited breathe to find out if he had scrambled eggs or pancakes for breakfast or what he did in his cell during the day, I did find one thing quite interesting. Even though Scott was just sentenced and only moved into prison at 5am yesterday, he already has a bevy of female supporters and women writing to the prison to support him, and to propose marriage.

I know there are women who find inmates attractive and are especially attracted to death row inmates, but I certainly don't understand it. Maybe on some level I can see where for some women this would be attractive, conjugal visits, romantic letters, but no living together, no day to day dealings normally found in real relationships, no washing his socks or complaining he left the seat up, no arguing over the remote, where to go for dinner, or whose turn is it to do what, in other words a relationship that is all fantasy and no reality. For some people who have trouble coping or have other issues this is a great way to fool themselves with an illusion, especially if he is a lifer and they will never have to actually act like a wife.

However I just can't understand what sane woman (and that may be the key there), would look at a man who was convicted of killing his pregnant wife and child, while running around with other woman, and who has shown no remorse, and think wow there's some great husband material. I also have to wonder about the stability of someone who would send a marriage proposal to such a person when they have never even met him. I realize some of it may grow out of lonliness, and a lack of the social skills needs for a real adult relationship (or a fear of the closeness required), while at the same time wanting to feel loved. Thus a prison relationship offers the perfect solution all of the fantasy parts but none of the realities.

Than again some women find mixed up, messed up guys much more attractive than the so called normal (ie boring) guys who hold jobs, obey the law and treat them with respect. Where is the drama in that? Where is the tension they have come to see as normal,as many of them often come from families where dysfunction is the norm. On top of this is a sort of ego boosting, codependant need to be the one to fix him, the one who was so great he changed and got over all his issues just for me. ( I call it the Princess Leia syndrome - if I am wonderful enough he will love me so much he will become a better person just because of me - talk about an ego boost, not to mention too many fairy tales, Harelquin romances, and popular love songs).

There is also a certain amount of denial, of he isn't really bad, just misunderstood, that what he does won't affect me, I'm different, I'm not like the others, he loves me.

I can understand some of where these women are comming from, I know what it is like to be lonely, I know how is to always be attracted to the bad boy, and sadly I also know the darkside of what happens when one enters a relationship with one of these guys (mine obviously wasn't in prison when I met him and to my knowldege has never killed anyone), but yet he most definatly met the criteria of a bad boy. Even in movie crushes I always find my self most attracted to the misunderstood bad boy, who in Hollywood of course always changes (well almost always) to become the good guy he really was inside, he just needed the love of the right woman to make him okay.

I've been thinking about this alot lately. I'm trying to figure out just what it is about Mike that has such a hold over me. Yes we have a son together and that will always connect us no matter what. But there is something more, something had to attract me to him, something in me thought he would be a good mate. I know a large part of our relationship goes back to me getting pregnant so soon into it, that we felt forced (or I did anyway, Mike I think just wanted someone to take care of him), to make it work much longer than if we had not had a child. I feel like if it weren't for Warren I would have ended it in the beginning. Yet I think staying together was probably the worst decision I (we) made.

I've been thinking this over alot lately trying to get a better understanding of myself. As angry as I am at Mike and as much as he has messed up his life, messed up Warren's life and messed up mine, part of me still cares and worries about him. No he isn't allowed back into my life, not with out some seriously major changes that would have to be proven slowly over a long period of time, but I don't hate him, not truly. I just feel like there is some part of myself I can't understand, and that once I figure it out maybe I can make things better for me and for Warren. I don't know, I just know it has been on my mind alot lately and I wish it would go away.

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Prequels ~ Sequels

Daily Dumbass: "oh look a wife killer who cheats" Gee sounds like perfect husband material to me
Thankful For: Warrenseems to finally be turning things around in school -fingers crossed
Music of the mind: : MeatLoaf.. "Dancin thru the night with you....."

~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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