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Sinking in the muck

Wednesday, May. 26, 2004 @ 11:41 pm
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As much as my son is the center of my life, there are some days when I seriously wish Meritcare's Obstertrics ward had a return policy, or at least an option for exchange. Its not a popular or policitally correct thing to admit to, but unfortunatly its true that some days mothers do not like these little people they have brought into the world. We still love them with every fiber of our being and would die to protect them, but for whatever reason at that particular time we do not like them.

I have more guilt over that sometimes than alot of other issues. Maybe that's why I feel so guilty so many times. I look at other people with well behaved kids, neat clean houses and paid up bills, and I hate them. What are they doing that I am not? Why do their kids do as they are told, with out pitching a hissy fit? Why can't I have a child who doesn't turn every request into a a power struggle? Then I hate myself because this is my child and I should love and accept him no matter what. I'm all he has and he needs me. That just stresses me out more. Talk about a lot of pressure to put on a person. His father is no help, and more of the problem. I am starting to see bits of his father in there (and parts of me too), and my reaction to that really scares me. Warren is not his dad, and it doesn't do him any good to hear that he is like the man who has done so much damage to our "family" if you call it that.

I think maybe its because I see myself in there as well. I was also a tough kid to deal with. Try to punish me for something and I would spend my punishment thinking of ways to get even. Send me to my room and I'd trash the place. Tell me no, and I threw a tantrum that would make Veruca Salt proud. I out grew it, and matured somehow, I'm not sure how. My folks did the best they could, and deep down I knew it was not the right way to behave. I did fine at school or around people I didnt' know well, it was only my parents , particuarly my mom who got my full blast. (I think my main punch was directed at my mom, because of my feeling toward my little brother aka Golden Boy). Warren is a simililar child, so much anger for one person, much of it justified, none of it doing anybody anygood.

I am just so tired, tired of the constant battle, constant appointments, constant worrying, constant phone calls, constant stress. I feel like I can't take much more.

Tonight when I came home from a parent training /support group at Access Warren was in full button pusing engage mode. ( I guess he felt ignored and wanted attention in a bad way). He asked me if instead of fixing his bike he could just have the money instead to buy whatever he wanted. I told him no, and he went to begging whining mode, when that didn't work he stepped matters up. He picked up a plastic lightsaber, I took it away and told him to go to bed. He refused. I had to shut off everythign and walk him to his room. He had a major fit (though not nearly as bad as somedays). Then I thought he calmed down and left, then he came out and tried it again, with a "go ahead I dare you" gleam in his face, once again he was "escorted" back to his room and the door held shut till he chilled. (this time taking almost 20 minutes), and lots of name calling and crying. Finally he chilled and I let go he used the bathroom then went back to his room. About 15 minutes later he came out, calm and in a nice manner asked for somethign to eat. He finally appologized and asked me to snuggle with him. So I got him a sandwhich and we did shuggle. I love my child, but sometimes I am just so tired, so very very tired.

I hate the battles, I hate the way my house looks, I hate my job, I hate having no money, I hate being in debt. I feel like I am trapped in a deep hole and everytime I try to claw my way to the top more dirt falls in and I just keep sinking. Sometimes I feel like I am nearing the exit and then the dirt gives way and I fall all the way back down again. I'm buried alive in a hole I largely dug myself. I wish I knew how to get myself out of it, before the water floods it and I drown completely.

I don't even want to get out of bed anymore. I often make it to work just barely in time, becaue while I need the money and the benefits, I am finding it very very hard to just plain give a damn. And I can't seem to make myself care, which means I sink further. the further I sink, the less I care. The less I care the further I sink. I feel like I am sweeping leaves in a tornado.

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Prequels ~ Sequels

Daily Dumbass: right now the whole world fits in this category
Thankful For: my neighbor, Karen letting me know I left my headlights on
Music of the mind: : Momma Mia by Abba..

~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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